i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
