i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
