I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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