just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
