i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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