No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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