Just fell off a train. Bad.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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