Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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