He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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