corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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