I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
