Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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