You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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