Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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