I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
