I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
