I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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