You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
