You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
