I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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