shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize