She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
