Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
