YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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