So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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