can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Enjoy the penises
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
