Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
