there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
