I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize