she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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