a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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