Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
