Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
