Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
there's paper in my vomit.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Be still, my beating vagina.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
