What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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