I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
