Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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