i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
