just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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