The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize