ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
