I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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