when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
