We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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