He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
