Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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