life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
