I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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