Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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