the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
