Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
