I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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