When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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