If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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