Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
