I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize