you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
