my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
