she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
