totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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