wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
